Tag Archives: bullies

Tips for Making Your Child Safe at School (Guest Post)

No one wants to be a “helicopter parent” who hovers around their child in a constant state of vigilance, just waiting for a tragedy to happen. But being a completely care-free parent is not necessarily a viable option either. These suggestions will help you keep your child safe while allowing them to grow and learn. While they may seem like common sense, these tips are often over-looked by even the most guarded of parents.

To and From School

  • If your child walks to school or the bus stop, walk the route with them before school begins. If they are old enough to walk alone, take time to point out places they should avoid on their route; such as abandoned buildings or full parking lots. Have a conversation with your child about strangers and the risks involved with talking to them. 
  • Meet with your child’s bus driver. Write down their name, license number, and get a copy of their driving record. Speak to the driver about their policies regarding bullying or disruptions on the bus. Give the driver your phone number in case of emergencies. 
  • Do NOT put key chains or any sort of decorative item inscribed with your child’s name on their back pack, or anywhere easily seen by others. Kidnappers have been known to follow children and call them by name because they can see it. If a child thinks they know a person because that person knows them, they are more likely to be abducted as they will not have their guard up. 
At School

  • Teach your child conflict resolution tactics to prepare them for any negative relationships they may encounter at their school. If your child is being bullied, advise them to politely ask their tormentor to cease. If this does not work, they should walk away (or run if in danger of bodily harm) and seek assistance from an adult in authority. Nurture your relationship with your child and keep an eye out for warning signs that your child is being bullied, such as lack of appetite or change in grades. 
  • Before your child begins a school year, discuss with the principal the school’s emergency protocols. Ask what the policy is in the event of any situation you can think of, such as a fire, natural disaster or a school intruder. Get a copy of these procedures and go over them with your child. 
  • Come up with a safe word that only YOU and your child know. Encourage your child to call you (either from the school office or an emergency cell phone) if they are having a problem at school and need to be picked up. They can use the safe word so that you both know that they need to come home. Something unique but not too noticeable is best – like “scotch tape” or “refrigerator”.”
  • Update your contact information with the school. Give your child’s school a list of people that you have approved to pick your child up or remove from school should you not be available. Make it clear to your child that they are under no circumstances to leave the school with someone they don’t know, even if that person tells them that they know their parents. This is a good opportunity for your safe word as well, if you MUST have someone not approved on your list pick your child up, give them the safe word. Tell your child that this person will relay the word to them and then and ONLY then, may they leave with that person. 

Many of these tips may seem pretty obvious but you can never be too safe. Accidents and tragedies happen every day, help keep your family safe and stay informed. 

 
Jenna Sanchez writes about parenting, safety and education. Her recent work lists the Best Education Degrees in the US.

What To Do If You Suspect Your Child is Being Bullied by a Teacher (Guest Post)

Sent to us by Alan Brady. 

Bullying is a major problem in schools everywhere. Teachers and staff are usually working to prevent or minimize bullying wherever they can, however sometimes the teachers or staff are actually the bullies. Many parents feel outraged and helpless at this type of situation, because they don’t know what to do. The course of action you should take is of course dependent on the specifics of the situation. Here are a few examples and different steps that are appropriate to take in the circumstances.

Changes in Your Childs Behavior

If your child is complaining about low grades, upset about being called out in front of the class by a teacher, and is becoming more withdrawn your first instinct might be to run in and accuse the teacher to their face. Not only is this less likely to fix the problem but the teacher might not even deserve the blame. Write the teacher or visit with them and let them know about the changes in your child’s behavior and ask them if they’ve seen anything that would be impacting your child. The teacher might be aware of other factors, like other students picking on your child, resulting in lower performance at school and resulting in misplaced frustration toward the teacher. Even if you consider your child to be equally or more credible than the teacher, do not ask for the teacher’s “side of the story”. Being rude to a teacher by treating them like a naughty child could turn a powerful potential ally hostile which your child cannot afford if they have bullying problems from other sources that they don’t want to mention. Also be aware that an inexperienced teacher might not be aware of the impact of their own actions, and a calm explanation can lead them to correct their behavior.

If Your Child Tells You About Explicit Abuse

A few ways to be absolutely sure of teacher abuse include unprofessional and uncalled for notes from the teacher on graded papers, stories of teacher’s slapping, spanking, or hitting students, and mocking or insulting your child. Unless you have some hard evidence you’ll want as many witnesses as possible. Arrange a meeting with the teacher and the teacher’s superior, usually a principal. When in the meeting make sure you’re professional and calm so that you don’t come across as a hysterical parent (you won’t be taken as seriously). Lay out exactly what you know without exaggeration and let the principal draw the logical conclusions. If you feel you’re being treated unfairly by the principal as well you can take your case to the school district, or you can take legal action against the school. Be aware that if you take legal action you’ll need some sort of solid evidence.

Sexual Abuse

If your child accidentally or deliberately indicates to you that they’ve been a victim of sexual abuse you need to remain calm. Getting too riled up can scare your child and make them feel that they’ve done something wrong, which will keep them from telling you what happened. Calmly ask them to tell you their story, and if you have a phone you can try to record it. Contact your local authorities immediately (the nationwide child abuse hotline is 1-800-422-4453, or you can call 911).

Alan Brady is a blogger who shares his personal experiences concerning divorce, his daughters, and being a single parent.

A personal note or two: I remember teachers picking on students; some of the coaches at our high school would hit the student on the forehead by popping them with their college ring.  A certain high school basketball coach would paddle a player when he missed a free throw. Years later, one of our daughters experienced a ” paddle lick” (another coach) in front of the whole class – she was wearing a cheerleader uniform, which was short.  ( I didn’t know anything about it until much later.) This type of humiliation has been going on for too long – from way back when to now.  There are more stringent standards that teachers and students should abide by, but you still hear reports of this type of behavior.  I feel sure there are many stories that could be shared, these are just a few incidents from my past.  As the article says, the teacher deserves to give his/her side of the story.  No child should be embarrassed by a teacher before their peers. We are certainly not picking on teachers, as they have a huge challenge in teaching our future generations.  Many of them are very kind and loving. Students should give them the respect they deserve, unless they are exhibiting inappropriate behavior. pb

 

 

 

TEN TELLING PSYCHOLOGY STUDIES ON THE NATURE OF BULLYING (Guest Post)

To say that bullying has been at the forefront of public discourse over the past few years would be a bit of an understatement. Countless TV programs, documentaries, articles, and even high-profile trials have covered and re-covered every angle of the issue time and time again. The growing interest in bullying over the past decade hasn’t been without just cause, as a saddening number of school shootings, student suicides, and other tragic incidents have demonstrated the heartbreaking consequences of unchecked bullying. As a result, schools have been taking a hard line on students accused of bullying, parents are speaking out, and the issue has become the rallying point for a number new anti-bullying organizations.

Yet while bullying is doubtless a major problem and one that should be addressed with the utmost seriousness, the reality is that many who are speaking out against it and proposing legislation on it really know little about the psychological and sociological research that has been done on the subject. While some stereotypes about bullies and their victims have proven true, other studies demonstrate that a more measured approach to bullying may be more effective than current punishment-focused programs as student motivations and definitions of bullying don’t always fit neatly into adult ideas about the topic. Bullying is a highly emotional issue and always will be, but these studies only serve to further demonstrate the importance of taking the time to apply reason and solid research data to any decisions that may have long-term effects on America’s children rather than letting emotions, however valid, be the guide.

1.      Children who bully also have problems with other relationships.

Bullying may be a sign that a child is having difficulty with other areas of life as well, not just relating to their peers. A study released in 2008 found that students who bully tend to have difficulties in relationships with teachers and parents as well. These difficulties were found to stem from generally aggressive behavior and a less well-defined moral compass. Students who bully, researchers found, may be lacking in social and problem-solving skills, which makes it difficult for them to form long-lasting, non-combative relationships with those around them. The findings led researchers to conclude that a real long-term solution to bullying may lie in helping children develop these skills, involving parents and their peers, and promoting healthy relationships early in life before more serious and potentially more dangerous social and emotional issues emerge later on.

2.      Bullying behaviors are learned and practiced at home.

While some students may simply have a more aggressive personality, studies are showing that many of the behaviors related to bullying are learned at home from interactions with parents. A review of international research in 2008 found that children raised by authoritarian parents — those who are demanding, directive, and unresponsive — are the most prone to bullying behavior, often modeling their behaviors at school on abusive, hostile, and aggressive experiences at home. On the flip side, children who were raised by nurturing, responsive parents were found to be less likely to bully. Another study in 2009 also connected bullying to home life, but in a different way. This study found that students who bullied their siblings at home were much more likely to bully other kids at school. If bullying is allowed at home, students simply continued the behavior in outside social relationships. These two studies have helped researchers to determine that the most pivotal figure in reducing and preventing bullying is a parent, and parents who are less angry and more talkative with their children report much fewer instances of bullying.

3.      Social desires drive both bullying and other children’s reactions to it.

Those who want to reduce bullying often ignore a key factor: what makes kids want to bully others in the first place. Luckily, research hasn’t ignored this aspect of the behavior. A Dutch study found that bullies are most often driven by the desire to attain status and win the affections of their peers, desires nearly all students share. Yet what differentiates bullies from their peers is the use of dominance to attain these ends. Researchers found that bullying was a risky behavior, with a high chance of ending up on the outs with other classmates, which is why bullies so frequently focus their torments on children who are viewed as being weak or who are not well-liked by other classmates. Yet bullies are only half of the equation. Social desires also drive how victims respond to bullying. A 2011 study found that students who are motivated to form strong relationships with their peers were more likely to use proactive strategies to reduce harassment from a classmate. Those who wanted to be perceived as “cool” were more likely to lash out at bullies and those who wanted to avoid negative judgments of their peers were most likely to do nothing at all. Researchers say that these insights to bullying should help shape future interventions in schools, promoting conflict resolution and showing students the way to build healthy relationships with their peers.

4.      Some bullying stems from a desire to maintain control.

While having social “norms” may be part of human nature, it also may help motivate many students to engage in bullying behavior. A study from Concordia University found that students who are loners or who are antisocial are more frequently bullied at school. Researchers believe this is a way to help control renegades, establish social order, and to keep a group’s members under control. It all may sound a bit Draconian for grade school, but researchers found that it was quite common for children to use aggressive behavior to gain social status and dominance over their peers, within the group and outside the group, deciding who and what was acceptable. William Bukowski, who led the study, says this information can help prevent victimization in the classroom. He recommends creating classroom environments that are egalitarian and encouraging more introverted students to speak up and assert themselves.

5.      Poor problem-solving skills increase children’s risk of becoming both a bully and a victim.

Anti-bullying activists should take note: researchers have found that poor problem solving skills are a key factor (if not the key factor) in much of the bullying that goes on in today’s schools. Research published by the American Psychological Association showed that children and adolescents who lack social problem-solving skills are at a higher risk of becoming bullies, victims, or both. For bullies, poor social skills often stem from conflict and poor parenting at home, negative attitudes about school, and poor self-image. For victims, risk factors and results were often very similar, a result that might be surprising to many. The authors of the study point out that successful anti-bullying strategies should be focused on more than just punishment, instead targeting risk factors and environments that may lead to bullying in the first place, both at home and at school.

6.      Students and parents may define bullying differently.

Students and their parents may have divergent views on what bullying is and what causes it, according to some recent studies. A 2009 study at Indiana University found that researchers and students differed in a key way in how they defined bullies. Students tended to be more forgiving in their labels, believing that there was no strict dichotomy between bullies and non-bullies. This was especially true when evaluating themselves, as students who admitted to engaging in bullying behavior didn’t seem themselves as bullies because of other, more positive aspects of their social lives. This, researchers caution, is why many anti-bullying messages don’t get through to students, as those who don’t see themselves or their peers as bullies often disregard anti-bullying messages. A study in Sweden is even more enlightening, showing that teens believed that individual traits like self-esteem and insecurity, not outside society at large, are to blame for bullying; a view that contrasts with many adult perspectives on the topic. What’s more, the study revealed that 42% of students blamed the victim for the bullying, citing his or her difference from the norm as justification for the bully’s actions. These studies illuminate the importance of talking to students themselves when developing strategies for dealing with bullying, as adults and kids may approach the issue from a different perspective.

7.      Even popular, well-liked students get bullied.

While bullying is more common among students who are on the fringes of social groups, popular students aren’t exempt from being picked on by bullies. A study in 2008 found that in cross-gender bullying, it was common for unpopular boys to harass and bully popular girls, especially as students move through elementary and middle school. Between fourth and sixth grade, researchers found that it wasn’t just the popular students that were doing the bullying; quite the opposite, in fact, when the bullying occurred across the genders. The research is telling, and those who conducted the study say it should be a wake-up call to teachers and administrators who often overlook claims of harassment by students who seem to be popular and well-adjusted.

8.      Cyberbullying operates differently than traditional bullying.

It’s tempting to lump all bullying together, but researchers say that online bullying should truly be a separate category of bullying and dealt with differently than traditional bullying. University of British Columbia researchers compared the two and found that the dynamics of online bullying are unique, with students not seeing their actions online in the same light as their actions in real life. This shouldn’t necessarily be surprising as numerous incidents have shown that young people often don’t understand the real-life consequences that can accompany the things they say, do, and share online. Traditional power differentials, like size and popularity, don’t apply online, leaving all students as fair game to be bullied or to become bullies. As a result of this study, researchers believe that anti-bullying programs need to take a two-pronged approach to bullying that addresses cyberbullying as a separate and unique challenge.

9.      Children begin bullying and being bullied as soon as they are old enough to engage in social interactions.

Parents, teachers, and activists need to take note: it’s never too early for bullying to occur. Researchers found that as soon as children are able to interact socially, many become entrenched in patterns of victimization or bullying. Victims are more likely to be those who were aggressive in infancy, subjected to harsh parenting styles, or from low-income homes. As children age, those who experienced bullying in their formative years are more likely to continue to be the victim, raising levels of depression, low self-esteem, social withdrawal, suicidal intention, and loneliness. Another study found that distinctions between bullies and victims become apparent as early as preschool, with aggressive children having a harder time building relationships with peers. These early problems could have long-term ramifications, which is why researchers stress it’s important to tackle them early on.

10.  Most anti-bullying programs aren’t effective.

Sadly, while bullying remains a major problem in schools around the nation, most programs created to combat it are woefully ineffective, or so says much of the research on the subject. A study in 2004 found that 86% of victims of bullying reported negligible or negative results from reporting bullying. Other studies suggest even higher numbers. So what’s wrong with the current programs? Most focus on punishment and isolation, which have proven to be very ineffective ways to get students to modify their behavior. Far better results have been seen with programs that focus on teaching kids mediation, building social skills, and helping students learn to solve problems. Also, while students may learn positive behaviors at school, negative behaviors may be reinforced at home, making it hard to facilitate any real change in students. Of course, the real problem may be that it simply isn’t possible to get everyone to like each other all the time or even to treat each other with respect; a human problem that isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

BULLYING CAN BE A PROBLEM FOR ALL AGES

Probably everyone has had to deal with a bully at one time or another.  There’s always going to be someone making another person’s life miserable.  Almost like a disease without a cure, bullying often goes too far.  Too often, we hear about a teenager that has decided the only way to escape the torment of a bully is to commit suicide.  This needs to stop.

Definitions of a bully are, someone who:

(a) intimidates;

(b) threatens;

(c) frightens;

(d) terrorizes; and/or

(e) endangers.

Anyone who has encountered bullies can no doubt add other descriptions.  What can we as a society do about this problem?  Parents are the key.  By paying close attention to our kids, we can notice when they seem to be acting differently, and ask questions.  Many times a child won’t say that someone is harassing them, until it’s gone too far.  Place a confidential call to school officials to bring the problem to their attention.  If school administration or teachers are unable to curtail the situation, call law enforcement.

In the past, things like this happened on “mean streets.”  With cell phones, computers, and email chat rooms, the cyber world creates virtual “bad streets” everywhere!  Cowards hiding behind a computer or cell phone can make a person’s life miserable by spreading all sorts of rumors or making threats.

Then, there are some of the bullies left over from junior high, still out there, seeking attention the only way they know, by picking on someone else and trying to build themselves up by making others feel small.  (We’re talking about the workplace, now!) Here’s some advice for grown-ups and students to apply when encountering a bully:

  • Avoid this person as much as possible.
  • Develop self-control; don’t let them think they have the best of you.
  • Ignore them.
  • Talk to teachers, school administrators.  They have laws to follow to protect you.
  • Talk to your supervisor; your company should have policies that protect you.
  • Ask that security cameras be placed in areas that could deter these activities.
  • Keep a record.  It’s always good advice to document, document, document!
  • If it keeps up, make a formal complaint to management.
  • When that doesn’t work, seek legal advice.  Personal injury lawyers’ consultations are usually free.

This all goes back to parenting.  If parents know they are raising a bully, they should put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.  The damage that bullies can cause sometimes leaves a permanent scar on their victim.  We all must learn to behave toward others in a positive way.
Only then will we see a safer world.