Tag Archives: jealousy

General Safety Issues

TEN COMMON REASONS WHY SIBLINGS FIGHT (GUEST POST)

Ten Common Reasons Why Teen Siblings Fight

by Meghan Walker of babysitting.net

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If you have teenagers, then you know that there are a lot of ups and downs with raising them.  They are pushing the boundaries and getting ready to leave the nest.  They are often rebellious and will fight with you and their siblings over the silliest of things.  But in a time when you think that your teenagers should be getting closer, why do they still have such big fights?  Check out 10 common reasons why teen siblings fight.

  1. Inequality: Often sibling fights start because one sibling doesn’t feel they are being treated fairly by the parents.  The oldest usually gets more privileges and can stay out later than the younger.  Maybe the oldest is involved in sports while the youngest isn’t so they feel like the world revolves around the schedule of the older child.
  2. Jealousy: One sibling might be jealous of what the other sibling has.  Maybe one teen has a phone and the other doesn’t have one yet.  Or maybe one got a car when they turned 16 and the other didn’t because the car was meant to be shared between the teens when the time came that they could both drive.
  3. Hormones: Everyone knows that teenagers have raging hormones and not just the kind that are aimed at members of the opposite sex.  Hormone imbalances can cause irritability and just make them short tempered so any perceived slight will set them off on a rant.
  4. Unmet expectations: Sometimes teens think that they have each other’s back, but then the sibling will rat the other one out if they broke the rules.  Expectations are a big deal, but are often assumed and teens need to realize that no one reads minds and that if they don’t express their expectations then theirs sibling won’t be able to meet them.
  5. Frustration: Being a teen is frustrating enough.  School is harder and more stressful.  Members of the opposite sex enter into the picture and cause their own drama.  Teens can be frustrated with each other for nothing more than eating something too loudly.  If things don’t go their way in one aspect of their world they may take it out on their sibling.
  6. Feeling of betrayal: This is more likely to happen when there are teens of the same sex in the household.  One sister dates the boy the other sister liked and now she feels betrayed by her own sister.  Or one brother gets into an argument with another guy and his brother sides with the other guy instead of him.  Siblings feel like even though they fight that they should stick together on the important stuff and that just doesn’t always happen.
  7. Competition: Who’s the biggest, skinniest, prettiest, fastest or most talented?  Siblings will compete with each other and results of the competitions most always cause a fight.  The other person had to have cheated or somehow rigged the contest.  Maybe it’s not a looks contest, but a contest to see who’s smartest?  Who gets better grades?
  8. Need for space: Teenagers seem to do a lot of deep thinking and they need their space.  When a younger teen interrupts an older sibling’s private time or invades their space there is likely going to be fireworks and not the good kind.  This also includes sitting too closely to them in the car.  The whole fight about who’s touching whom will ensue and you’ll want to pull your hair out, but keep in mind this too shall pass.  
  9. Touching or taking their stuff: Another thing that teenagers are is possessive of their things.  They don’t want their sibling to use, touch or take anything that belongs to them.  If their sister borrowed their favorite shirt without asking and now it’s dirty and they wanted to wear it to the game there’s going to be a lot of fighting.  As soon as kids get something they consider to be their own, these kinds of fights start and it doesn’t stop when they become older teenagers.  It just gets louder and the stuff gets more expensive.

Insults flying: Sometimes teenagers just fight because they can.  Perhaps they get bored and just feel like picking a fight, but it’s often just stupid stuff that they fight about.  Siblings know how to push each other’s buttons and they will do it just to get a rise out of their sibling.  There’s just something about irritating each other that’s part of the growing up process.

Hope these tips will help us all understand that kids fighting is a very common part of life. It’s up the parents to handle them in the best way possible. Cases like this may really show the need for keeping a first aid kit!

 

General Safety Issues

TEN TIPS FOR KEEPING THE PEACE AMONG SIBLINGS (GUEST POST)

This weekend, we are going to feature various articles about child care that are important to all parents and caregivers.
This article from BabySitters.net gives us some insight into the mystery of peace among brothers and sisters.  I could have used this when my three were growing up! pb

For parents and caregivers of multiple children, keeping the peace among siblings can seem like a full-time job in and of itself. Siblings may fight for a parent’s attention, they may fight over a toy, or they may fight because their developmental levels are so different from one another that it’s hard for them to relate to each other. If siblings have opposing temperaments, such as when one is laid back and one craves a rigid routine, they may also bicker constantly because they are simply wired differently, making it hard for them to connect.

Fortunately there are things parents and caregivers can do to help keep the peace among siblings.

These include:

Allowing them their own space. Siblings spend most of their time together, and often it is not by choice. Allowing each child to have their own space and to play independently can help defuse feelings of resentment. While siblings should of course learn to play nicely together, allowing children to play alone at times gives them permission to take a much needed break from a sibling when needed. When a child says he wants to play alone, insisting other children allow him to do so provides an opportunity to teach about respect.

Allowing them their own things. While most of the toys in your home will be available for any and all children to use, each child should have a few cherished toys that they aren’t required to share. When children have their own things they are forced to take responsibility and ownership of them. Having a few toys that are share-free can help children to feel like individuals, which is important for their self-esteem.

Laying the ground rules.When it comes to acceptable and unacceptable treatment of siblings, the rules should be clear and few. Your rules may read something like this: “In our home we are kind to our siblings. We don’t hurt our siblings with our hands or our words.”  Make a simple sign and hang it on the fridge so everyone is reminded of the rules.

Staying out of it. At all costs, parents must avoid taking sides. Trying to assign blame or figure out who did what only makes the situation worse. When safety isn’t an issue, stay out of it for as long as possible to give the children a chance to work it out on their own. If you do need to intervene, instead of trying to referee, insist that both children stop doing whatever they’re doing wrong.

Teaching them to talk it out.For a child, learning to communicate their feelings with words, rather than fists, doesn’t always come naturally. Get out a paper towel tube and give it to one child at a time. Encourage them to use “I and when” statements to communicate their feelings with words rather than fists. “I feel hurt when you won’t let me play trucks with you.” While you may have to model and coach them through their dialogue at first, teaching them to talk it out is a life lesson that’s worth the time invested in instruction.

Insist they kiss and make up. When the children fight, encourage the instigator to apologize and say something nice to his sibling. When you do this, it forces the child to consider something nice about his sibling and allows the child who was hurt to hear something nice about himself. Teaching children to never go to bed angry is another life lesson worth teaching.

Appreciate each child. While it can be tempting to compare siblings, don’t. Appreciate each child for the unique being she is. If one child loves dance and the other baseball, encourage them to each pursue their own interests and passions. Don’t expect all siblings, even twins, to be cut from the same mold. As each child is unique, so is each sibling.

Spend time alone with each child. Carving out one-on-one time for each child every day can significantly reduce sibling rivalry. Each child wants to know that they are special to you and valuable enough to have your undivided attention. Whether it be giving each child a bath, reading a book to each child before bed or going for a short walk with each child after dinner, spending time with each child individually is vital to helping siblings to get along.

Foster a friendship. Your children are siblings by blood, friends by choice. Encourage your children to become friends. Provide opportunities for them to help and support each other. From attending school events in support of each other, to getting a diaper for a baby sibling, adopting an “I am here to help and support you” attitude in your children will foster lasting friendships for life.

Praise good behavior. When you see your children treating each other kindly and with respect, call them out on it. “I saw how you shared your last piece of candy with your brother. That was so kind and something a good friend would do. I am so proud you made the choice to share.”  When you call attention to desirable behavior, you naturally reinforce it.

While almost all siblings will bicker and argue from time to time, with a little planning and support from parents and caregivers, the overall relationships between siblings can be peaceful. 

It is a wonderful gift to be able to see your grown children truly become best friends, and be there for each other. pb